Why I said, "YES"...a Day in Oklahoma City

Oklahoma City: An Example of Peace on Earth

Oklahoma City: An example of Peace on Earth by Andrea Hylen

(This was originally published in Beloved World- Voices of Peace Newsletter Sept 2008) 

Voices of Peace: Sept 2008

July 7, 2008 - A journal entry

Words seem so inadequate on this day.

By spending the morning and the evening at the Oklahoma City Memorial, I feel that my life has been touched in a profound way. I sit here staring at the blank page feeling the stillness, not knowing how to capture this experience in words.

A field of empty chairs represents the lives lost on April 19, 1995. My heart felt like it was bursting open when I first entered the Memorial Gateway. Tears ran down by cheeks, as I opened to the emotion. I felt  like my heart was bursting with love and gratitude. Love and gratitude? This took me by surprise. I found out later that the entrance we walked through was the Door of Hope. And that is what I felt.

Through the tragedy of loss, the powerful emotions of forgiveness, healing, hope and love have arisen here. Beginning with the people who responded with help immediately, to those who came from afar, to the words of love from children, this is an example of the hope and beauty that is arising on the planet.

 

 

The people of Oklahoma City have risen from the ashes and chosen peace. They are an example of peace on Earth as we each make conscious choices for inner peace.

An educator in the museum shared the peace programs that have been birthed here. Conflict resolution classes in schools; Cards and artwork from children, like the tile that reads, ”The world cares.” Sharing tools of peace with the children.

Every night when the sun goes down, the lights below each chair shine brighter and brighter. As the darkness spreads throughout the city, I see the moon at the highest point in the sky. There is stillness. The chairs that represent loss are transformed and emerge into brilliant candles of hope and light.

 

I see in this moment, it is in the greatest times of darkness that we become the brightest lights.

 

 

 

Why I said, "YES" ...to P.S. I LOVE YOU (grieving the loss of a spouse)

Two years after my husband died, a film came out called, "P.S. I Love You." Several people recommended the film to me about a widow whose husband leaves a series of letters and gifts for her to receive during the first year after his death. When I first heard the words and the description, I knew I couldn't watch it for several reasons.

One, during the last year of my husband's life, he was fighting to live. There were a few conversations about the future where he told me to take some of the life insurance money and go to Greece on a trip which was one of my dreams. But most of the last year of his life was spent researching treatments and watching him fight for his life. No time was spent on saying goodbye and looking at the end.

Two, I was angry. I did not want to watch a film about how two people loved each other so much. I didn't want to see this amazing husband who left his grieving widow lovely gifts and positive messages. My husband left me with paperwork and junk and a drug addicted business tenant. He left me with unanswered questions and an incomplete ending. He left the family with anger and hurt from his prescription drug induced rage and insanity. Thorns instead of roses.

Over a period of time, the film kept crossing my path. One summer evening, I was at the video store and there it was on DVD. I felt ready to see it. I had moved through the anger and was ready to forgive my husband and forgive myself. I had developed more compassion and with time I had filtered through the physical experience and the unresolved junk in our relationship. I was beginning to remember some of the amazing moments in our relationship. I rented the DVD, popped some popcorn and grabbed a box of tissues. No one else was home.

Throughout the film, I cried silent tears with occasional sobbing inhalations. Finally, the last letter arrived. I knew that these were the words my husband would have said to me. In the last few weeks of his life, he did say these words with his eyes.

"Dear Holly (replaced in my heart with Andrea), I don't have much time. I don't mean literally, I mean you're out buying ice cream and you'll be home soon. But I have a feeling this is the last letter, because there is only one thing left to tell you. It isn't to go down memory lane or make you buy a lamp, you can take care of yourself without any help from me. It's to tell you how much you move me, how you changed me. You made me a man, by loving me Holly. And for that, I am eternally grateful... literally. If you can promise me anything, promise me that whenever you're sad, or unsure, or you lose complete faith, that you'll try to see yourself through my eyes. Thank you for the honor of being my wife. I'm a man with no regrets. How lucky am I. You made my life, Holly. But I'm just one chapter in yours. There'll be more. I promise. So here it comes, the big one. Don't be afraid to fall in love again. Watch out for that signal, when life as you know it ends. P.S. I will always love you".

As I watched the film all alone in my house, a sound came out of me that I had never heard before. When the words of the letter were spoken, a howling, guttural sound of pain burst from me. It was the loudest, most primitive sound I had ever heard. It sounded like an animal in excruciating pain. Without controlling anything, the sound was released from my soul.

As I watched the end of the film and cried more tears, I knew the film had arrived at the perfect time. I was ready to heal the deeper pain and loss of my husband. I was ready to close the chapter. I was ready to fall in love with life again.

It has been several more years now. I think of my husband with feelings of love and gratitude and honor. I remember the night after ten years of marriage when he told me I was not his soul mate but his destiny. With the deep life journey we were on for over fifteen years, I would agree. The deepest most profound learning of my life happened over and over during those fifteen years. It is now my life work and my husband is my guardian angel.

I have fallen in love with myself and with life again and the next book of my life has begun.

Hurley (RIP 2005) and our son Cooper (RIP 1993)

*****

Andrea Hylen is a Life Energy Coach specializing in Grief Transformation, founder of Heal My Voice, a Minister of Spiritual Peacemaking and co-author of Conscious Choices: An Evolutionary Woman's Guide to Life. Some day she will finish writing the book: Open to Inspiration: The summer a woman discovered herself with a teenage daughter and the Jonas Brothers on a 10,000 mile road trip. Her greatest desire is to inspire people to live a deeper, richer life as leaders of their own lives and to connect with people for deeper conversations. 

Why I said, "YES"...to the Journey of Releasing aka Life As a Butterfly

Although I wrote this in a journal a year ago, I still find myself on a journey of releasing, releasing, releasing. Every time I think I have reached a place of stability, there is another call to shift physically, emotionally, mentally, spirituality.

In the spirit of releasing, I share the words of Life As A Butterfly.

Life as a Butterfly
July 7, 2010

In 2005, my daughter, Hannah, told me we would be moving from Baltimore to Los Angeles. It was two weeks after her father died and the clarity of the future flowed through her. It took me another 3 1/2 years to see it. 

It was January of 2009. I felt a deep calling to release my house and most of my personal belongings. It took a year for everything to be released and sold. Since arriving in California in Jan. 2010, I have met people every week who have the same deep calling to transform and change. I feel the wave of movement from one part of the world to the other.

I meet people on Facebook, at Priscilla's Coffee and Tea in Burbank and at the Agape International Spiritual Center in Los Angeles. We are in a state of releasing. From releasing identities that no longer serve us to material possessions that have been clogging our lives to old beliefs that place limitations on new life. As we release, we open to embrace something new. Most of our futures are unplanned. We live on the edge of uncertainty of what is next until it appears. Underneath there is an aliveness about infinite possibilities and expectancy, like waiting to go into labor. I know the new birth is coming and soon!

The one common element is the consciousness around the release. No one is rejecting their old life. Everyone is releasing and moving towards something unknown. No one is running away. They are choosing a different path. The old life was fine. Maybe even great!

On this new path, there are elements of freedom and music. At the center of it all is a spiritual connection to their heart and destiny. Step 1 is to renew their spirit. Step 2 is opening to the path that is leading them to serve. Something is stirring in each heart. There is a link to the great awakening on planet Earth.

Around the world, old structures are crumbling. Education, banking, government, health systems, resources, and jobs. In nature, there are earthquakes, volcanoes, oil spills and hurricanes. Barbara Marx Hubbard is a futurist who has been teaching for 40 years about a time in the world when the old structures would break down and fall apart. She has used the phrase, "Our crisis is a birth." Spiritual leaders like Michael Bernard Beckwith, speak of the natural breakdown of the old, "Something new is trying to emerge. That which is dissolving has to fall apart." We can not receive the new without the breakdown. Just as a baby is birthed with labor pains, the world is experiencing labor pains of its own.

I am filled with both fear and excitement. When I feel fear, I am examining my life from an old paradigm. Focused on old solutions that do not work any longer. When I feel excited, I am seeing infinite possibilities and open to the inspiration of new ideas and new solutions.

Do you know what happens inside the chrysalis when the caterpillar is changing into a butterfly?

The caterpillar sheds it's skin one last time as the chrysalis is forming. Inside the chrysalis, the caterpillar's body begins to die. The juices used to digest food, now turn and digest the body. The body dies from the inside out. There are special formative cells that were stored in the tissue of the caterpillar that were never used for anything until now. When the old body becomes a caterpillar soup, the cells awaken for the first time. The cells are called imaginal buds or discs. As they awaken, they begin to multiply. At first, the caterpillar's immune system kills them. It isn't until the cells link together and join forces that they can become strong enough to overpower the immune system attack. The immune system dies and the imaginal cells become the body of the butterfly. The butterfly is very vulnerable and needs protection to complete the process of metamorphosis.

What can we learn from the metamorphosis?

1. The old skin is shed one last time before a new process begins.

2. There is a change from the inside out.

3. A memory or blueprint wakes up when the release of the old begins.

4. There is an internal struggle as the old resists and fights the new.

5. To strengthen the new and release the old, we join together in community, cooperation, and collaboration that supports our new birth.

6. As we awaken, something magnificent is created.

7. There is vulnerability at first. Be gentle with yourself. Rest.

Do you feel the call to become a butterfly and transform?

Why I said, "YES" ... surrendering on the 4th of July

Fourth of July
July 4, 2008

Preparing for a summer road trip with my daughter, I played with the idea of our 4th of July location for months. I thought the ideal situation would be a hotel in St. Louis, MO within walking distance to the Arch. Westward Expansion. What a great symbol to celebrate Independence Day and the expansion of ourselves on this journey.

But, the hotels were booked. I checked the hotels regularly. I thought there would be cancellations and a room would open in downtown St. Louis. Nothing...

The idea of parking and crowds and traffic was not appealing to me.

I reviewed the hotels outside of St. Louis and finally, I chose a spot two days before our arrival. It was close to our destination for the next day.

I released the idea of going to see fireworks. It was hard to let this go. Since the death of my husband, I tried to organize a 4th of July fireworks adventure every year. When he was alive, this was his thing, along with the annual carnival in town. It was something we enjoyed as a family, but he always organized it. Since his death, I didn’t want to let Hannah down. Hannah was the youngest of my daughters, only 12 years old when her father died. I wanted to create the best childhood I could for her. Fireworks felt important.

We talked about it and Hannah said she didn’t care. I let it go. I surrendered. We checked into the hotel and both of us started reviewing pictures and writing blogs for our travel websites.

Around 8:30pm, I heard a pounding, a steady rhythm of noise. It sounded like someone banging on the wall next door. Finally, I looked out the window and saw fireworks. I called to Hannah and she looked out the window and saw them, too.

My heart felt like it was bursting . There were fireworks in four different locations right out the window of our hotel! I saw fireworks from downtown St. Louis and Cahokia Mounds across the river and two other places I couldn’t identify. I watched them for 10 minutes feeling the gratitude of the location I had chosen...or was I guided here by an inner inspiration after I surrendered?

With a full heart and appreciation for a moment of fireworks with my daughter, I walked outside to put something in the car. Right outside the front door of the hotel, I stopped and gasped. There were fireworks EVERYWHERE! I walked around the parking lot. We were on top of a hill and I saw four.. seven..twelve.. sixteen... over twenty different fireworks locations. Some were so close, I could hear the boom and crackle and pop. I could smell the burning of fireworks powder. We were in the middle of the most spectacular fireworks event I had ever seen.

I saw a couple sitting in lawn chairs with the trunk of their car open. They told me they live in the area and this is the best location in the St Louis area. The fireworks displays continued for over an hour!

I felt the gratitude of what it really meant to trust, let go and open to the inspiration to surrender. A 4th of July to remember!

Westward Expansion. Opening to the expansion and guidance from within mySelf.