Why I said, "YES"...to the Journey of Releasing aka Life As a Butterfly

Although I wrote this in a journal a year ago, I still find myself on a journey of releasing, releasing, releasing. Every time I think I have reached a place of stability, there is another call to shift physically, emotionally, mentally, spirituality.

In the spirit of releasing, I share the words of Life As A Butterfly.

Life as a Butterfly
July 7, 2010

In 2005, my daughter, Hannah, told me we would be moving from Baltimore to Los Angeles. It was two weeks after her father died and the clarity of the future flowed through her. It took me another 3 1/2 years to see it. 

It was January of 2009. I felt a deep calling to release my house and most of my personal belongings. It took a year for everything to be released and sold. Since arriving in California in Jan. 2010, I have met people every week who have the same deep calling to transform and change. I feel the wave of movement from one part of the world to the other.

I meet people on Facebook, at Priscilla's Coffee and Tea in Burbank and at the Agape International Spiritual Center in Los Angeles. We are in a state of releasing. From releasing identities that no longer serve us to material possessions that have been clogging our lives to old beliefs that place limitations on new life. As we release, we open to embrace something new. Most of our futures are unplanned. We live on the edge of uncertainty of what is next until it appears. Underneath there is an aliveness about infinite possibilities and expectancy, like waiting to go into labor. I know the new birth is coming and soon!

The one common element is the consciousness around the release. No one is rejecting their old life. Everyone is releasing and moving towards something unknown. No one is running away. They are choosing a different path. The old life was fine. Maybe even great!

On this new path, there are elements of freedom and music. At the center of it all is a spiritual connection to their heart and destiny. Step 1 is to renew their spirit. Step 2 is opening to the path that is leading them to serve. Something is stirring in each heart. There is a link to the great awakening on planet Earth.

Around the world, old structures are crumbling. Education, banking, government, health systems, resources, and jobs. In nature, there are earthquakes, volcanoes, oil spills and hurricanes. Barbara Marx Hubbard is a futurist who has been teaching for 40 years about a time in the world when the old structures would break down and fall apart. She has used the phrase, "Our crisis is a birth." Spiritual leaders like Michael Bernard Beckwith, speak of the natural breakdown of the old, "Something new is trying to emerge. That which is dissolving has to fall apart." We can not receive the new without the breakdown. Just as a baby is birthed with labor pains, the world is experiencing labor pains of its own.

I am filled with both fear and excitement. When I feel fear, I am examining my life from an old paradigm. Focused on old solutions that do not work any longer. When I feel excited, I am seeing infinite possibilities and open to the inspiration of new ideas and new solutions.

Do you know what happens inside the chrysalis when the caterpillar is changing into a butterfly?

The caterpillar sheds it's skin one last time as the chrysalis is forming. Inside the chrysalis, the caterpillar's body begins to die. The juices used to digest food, now turn and digest the body. The body dies from the inside out. There are special formative cells that were stored in the tissue of the caterpillar that were never used for anything until now. When the old body becomes a caterpillar soup, the cells awaken for the first time. The cells are called imaginal buds or discs. As they awaken, they begin to multiply. At first, the caterpillar's immune system kills them. It isn't until the cells link together and join forces that they can become strong enough to overpower the immune system attack. The immune system dies and the imaginal cells become the body of the butterfly. The butterfly is very vulnerable and needs protection to complete the process of metamorphosis.

What can we learn from the metamorphosis?

1. The old skin is shed one last time before a new process begins.

2. There is a change from the inside out.

3. A memory or blueprint wakes up when the release of the old begins.

4. There is an internal struggle as the old resists and fights the new.

5. To strengthen the new and release the old, we join together in community, cooperation, and collaboration that supports our new birth.

6. As we awaken, something magnificent is created.

7. There is vulnerability at first. Be gentle with yourself. Rest.

Do you feel the call to become a butterfly and transform?

Why I said “YES”... to the Beauty of Gray Hair

For the past few months I have been exploring the idea of dying my hair. I will be 55 years old in October and the isolated gray strands of hair are increasing. They are gathering in clustered groups and I am more aware of the gray. For the first time I have joined the conversation: to dye or not to dye.

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I dyed my hair blond in 10th grade to please a boyfriend. At a Saturday night sleepover with my girlfriend, Nancy Koerner, we decided to dye my hair since my boyfriend said he preferred blonds. Ugh! Even writing that statement makes me sick to my stomach right now. But that was the state of my self-esteem. To even consider changing my body in ANY way to please a man... a boy. Ugh!

Nancy was my best friend and she loved to play with hair. She was my anti-thesis. I didn't even brush my straight, thin hair every day.  She was always experimenting with hair color and style. She decided I should have highlights, I think it was called frosting. As she pulled the strands of hair through holes in the cap with an instrument that looked like a crochet hook, my hair got all tangled.  After about an hour of this frustration, Nancy and I decided to dump the chemicals on all of my hair. We both looked in the mirror at the end of the process and lied to each other about how good it looked.

When my boyfriend saw me the next day with blond hair he just stared at me. Ouch! The memory of standing in the driveway of my home and seeing the look of horror and shock on his face, still brings back memories of hurt. He broke up with me a few weeks later and it took a few years of dying my hair with a brown tint, waiting for it all to grow back to the natural color of mousy brown to move on from that dying incident. I never had the desire to dye my hair again. As a matter of fact, I had an aversion to it. It reminded me of a time I did something, "to be loved," that was out of integrity with who I am. Good, painful life lesson.

Throughout my life time I have had a variety of haircuts and body waves to try to find the right hairstyle. I would find a haircut that worked for awhile, struggle to find something new and then throw up my hands in surrender. I have straight, thin hair with several cowlicks. Challenging, uninteresting hair.

For a period of about five years in the late 1990's, early 2000's, I lived in paint clothes and wore a bandana on my head. Home schooling my kids, running Girl Scout troops and Destination Imagination teams I also refinished the floors and painted all of the walls in an 11 room house we were renovating. I never felt self-conscious about being in public with uncombed hair hidden by the bandana. Grocery shopping, a coffee shop, or meeting a friend for a casual lunch. It was my lifestyle and I loved the creativity that was flowing through me in the renovating and learning environment.

Oh, and when I went camping with the Girl Scouts, I did not look for a shower. Camping for three days meant dirty body, dirty hair and dirty clothes. Taking a shower while camping seemed like a contradiction.

You can see that I am not a primping and polished kind of girl. But, primping and aging are two different things. As I have explored my inner voice this year, I have also taken more moments to look at my body, my hair, the wrinkles around my mouth and eyes and the stretch marks on my belly. I notice the sagging chin and the graying hair. The red capillaries and rosacea that appeared on my face after the birth of four children. The freckles that are beginning to look more like age spots.

In those moments of self-examination, I think about plastic surgery, dying my hair, losing weight, and beauty products. I feel into the vulnerability, the messages from society, the aging that is happening with the passing of time.

This morning I looked in the mirror and saw a section of ten hairs that were all gray. That is enough of a gathering, a clustering to change the color of my hair in certain spots. It is a preview for what is coming.

I stood still, took a breath and felt my way into the beauty of this time of my life. Carving a path of what it means to get older. All of the wisdom. The feeling of being deeply connected to my soul. Knowing who I am. I have had such an amazing life. So many incredible experiences. And more than the memories of travel to Hawaii, ziplining in Jamaica, owning an 11 room house, I am thinking about the waves of life where I have learned who I am; where I learned how to surf with the challenges. Now that is living an amazing life. I know who I am. And I know if I decide to dye my hair, it will have to be for me. It will have to be because I want that experience for myself.

Looking in the mirror, I began to speak out loud. "Hello, you. What is the next adventure? Gray hair?" I began to feel the inner excitement of that. What would that be like? What shade of gray will be my natural color? I crinkled my eyes to accentuate the wrinkles. I examined all aspects of my face. I really looked at my face and I saw the adventure and the beauty of opening the door to the experience of aging.

In that moment, I decided...

I say, Yes! to my beautiful graying hair. I say, Yes! to embracing the experience of aging. I...say...YES!

Why I said, "YES" ... to witness the rescue of 33 miners

As I ponder all of the times I have said, "YES!" to things in my life, the "why I said yes," always leads to the same answer: "...because my heart told me so." Reflecting on this I am reminded that this is where the richest moments, the richest memories reside. The times I felt something stirring in my heart that led me to a moment of saying, "YES!"

This was a simple moment of saying yes that led to a deeper reason for my life.

Maybe some of you remember the real life story about the Chilean mine workers who were trapped underground from August 4-October 13, 2010. Seventy days trapped in an underground mine.

I found out about the story near the end of the ordeal, right before they were rescued. I read about it one morning on Huffington Post as I was sitting in my local coffee shop. There was something about a community of men surviving together that drew me into the story and I read and watched everything I could about it for several days.

Here are a few brief details in case you didn't see it.

On Aug 5, a mine collapsed with 33 miners trapped inside.

On Aug 22, a 6 inch hole was drilled and reached the miners. It took 17 days to drill that hole and it was discovered that all 33 were alive.

Two more holes were drilled. These became the lifelines for delivering supplies, communication and fresh air.

If you want more details leading up to the rescue, here is a link to one Huff Post article from Aug 2010. Chile Mine Collapse Article

As I said earlier, I discovered the information about the mine collapsing a few days before they were rescued.

I read details every day and added the men and their families to my prayer list. On the day the rescue began, I was working on the computer searching for more information.  The four-meter long “Phoenix” capsule painted in the red, white and blue colors of the Chilean flag was beginning to hoist the 33 miners to the surface through a 26-inch wide hole. It was estimated it would take about one hour to rescue each man. That meant it would span over two days.

I discovered a Live streaming Ustream channel with camera shots underground and above ground. I held my breath and watched as the first man was rescued. Connected with the on-line community we all chatted words of support for the miners. Posting our prayers and counting the last few seconds, then cheers and html code that appeared as hearts and celebratory exclamations of joy!

I knew in that moment I had to witness the rescue and to hold a space in prayer and community.  I felt a strong inner yes to clear my schedule and join the on-line community that was already holding a vigil for this. On Ustream Live, I witnessed the rescue and I also witnessed a group of people who were strangers before the event. Many of them stayed awake all night.

There were moments when the rescue went smoothly, one man steadily raised to the surface after another. Then, there was a short period of time when it looked like there would be a delay which could mean days, weeks or longer.  We huddled together online holding virtual hands in times of concern and offering virtual cups of coffee and donuts in moments of celebration.

I found out later it was estimated that one billion people watched the rescue. I wondered how many had joined together and created new tribes like the group of people on Ustream.

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The story popped back into my mind yesterday on Easter morning.

Whether you celebrate Easter or not, it is a symbol for the experience I had been watching during the rescue of the miners. Another reflection of support and witnessing...

It is written that after the Last Supper, Jesus took the disciples and went to the garden at Gethsemane to pray. He asked three of the disciples, Peter, James and John to stay awake and keep watch. He knew that the betrayer Judas would soon be upon them. But the disciples were tired and could not stay awake. Three times Jesus left to pray and he returned to find the disciples sleeping. By falling asleep, the disciples also betrayed Jesus.

The rescue of the miners and staying awake. The betrayal of Jesus by falling asleep.

In this time of great change on the planet, my inner "yes" is telling me I am ready to stay awake with you. I am ready to wake up to new ideas and new solutions to make a difference.

The inner, "Yes" I felt to stay awake and hold watch for the miners has carried into my life in a deeper way/. I am waking up to ways that I can share my unique gifts, to join in collaborative community, and to find inner peace within to reflect it out to the world.

I will stay awake with you. Will you stay awake with me?